March 7th, 2011 → 4:40 pm @ Andrew Bernstein // 6 Comments
When I explain to someone that stress for children doesn’t come from monsters in the closet—it comes from their thoughts about monsters in the closet—they typically agree.
When I explain that stress doesn’t come from traffic jams—it comes from your thoughts about traffic jams—they typically agree.
When I explain that stress doesn’t come from moving, or getting divorced—it comes from your thoughts about moving, or getting divorced—they typically agree.
Stress doesn’t just happen. You don’t find yourself walking along, having a great time, and then spontaneously and for no reason at all, you get angry or upset. Your emotions happen because of something you are thinking about.
And yet it’s often the case that, upon hearing how emotions work, someone will say, “But what about ___________,” and then they insert their extreme circumstance of choice: sexual abuse, death of a loved one, cancer, genocide, warfare. Doesn’t THAT come directly from the experience itself? Isn’t THAT a completely different category of stress?
You tell me. In all of human experience, has there ever been someone who faced those circumstances and didn’t forever carry it as a heavy burden? Has there ever been a child with terminal cancer who remained happy, even if he or she was still dying? Has there ever been a prisoner of war who didn’t find the experience permanently traumatizing? Is it possible to survive genocide and, without condoning it, see it as an opportunity to find deeper meaning as a human being?
We don’t want to answer this question honestly because it exposes the myth that we believe in, and that exposure can lead to more accountability than some of us are ready for. It seems so much easier (and far more popular) to continue as a victim. But is it really easier?
People may always ask me “But what about…?” I think it’s a question worth really asking, and answering.
sandgroper
2 years ago
when I sit/stand my body send out the wrong signals and it changes many things including my thoughts and my mood besides producing tremors and other uncontrollable movements, so suddenly I will be reacting to something that I may just have not have even noticed. so sometimes my body, not my mind is in control (except if I can lay down enough – which is most of the time).
I understand the process and I wonder if you have ever been in a position of really being out of control, like not being able to control your body/mind
btw loved the worrying is not love post
Sandie
ROBERT
2 years ago
When it comes to events like terminal illness or the death of a child, it’s harder to accept that the event itself is not causing the emotion because convincing ourselves intellectually {understanding the words} is exponentially different from experiencing the physical agony of a broken heart. Perhaps you say without the words there is no broken heart, then I have to reply that you are a lucky man.
Andrew Bernstein
2 years ago
Hi Robert. I’d like to reply but I’m not sure what you mean by “convincing ourselves intellectually (understanding the words).” Do you mean that you think ActivInsight is about doing this, or are you referring to something else?
Andrew Bernstein
2 years ago
Hi Sandie,
Sorry for the delay in response. There are countless things about my body and mind that are beyond control. I don’t see ActivInsight as being about control. It’s just a way of seeing that at this time things should be the way they are (control or no control) and not continuing to believe they shouldn’t be. My hope is that seeing this would free someone from the added burden of stress on top of whatever is going on already. There may still be spasms, pain, etc., but less of a struggle imposed on top of this by believing that it’s not supposed to be happening when it does. Does that make sense?
ROBERT
2 years ago
When doing a worksheet it’s necessary to use words.My point is the word is not the thing, the map is not the territory We can never accurately describe reality with words because words are always abstractions of reality and always incomplete descriptions of reality or life..We struggle to give voice to our strongest feelings.We stumble when we attempt to describe our feelings of love because we realize that words are inadequate. Life is process, words are static. There’s a qualitative difference between the emotion and our attempt to express that emotion. The worksheets are a helpful tool but its necessary to recognize the limitations inherent in the nature of language when we use them.
Renata Zocchio
2 years ago
Robert,
I took the liberty to express a few words because I enjoyed your point of view and it made me think for an hour. I would like to remind that emotions are better expressed when we have a clear mind. A mind that is not confused by ‘counterfactual thoughts’ (term so well explained by Andrew on his book). Our most proeminents poets used this clear mind to express what they felt so deep with fantastic words in many languages. But for us , normal mortals, express emotions with clear mind is quite a work, most of the time impossible. Of course that a rose given in the right moment will do what hundred words could, but withouth the fragrance and the shining eyes of those involved .When you do give a time to find the words,your words, mind will be clear ( it feels to me more like satisfied mind) and emotion will do it´s course withouth so much pain, or stress .